Darrin’s AncestryDNA test was activated (by me) on February 14th and was finally received by Ancestry’s lab on February 27th. For those intermediary weeks, I was VERY anxious that perhaps the test had gotten lost in the mail. After all the hassle I put him and Meredith through, the last thing I wanted to do was to have to ask them to do it all over again. “Please”, I prayed, “make it to the lab safely”. It was such a relief when I finally received the emailed stating that it did.
And then the waiting game began.
It’s been almost a full month so far, and the kit is still in “processing”. This was to be expected, as I’m pretty sure that my own kit took at LEAST two months from the date I mailed it in, and I think James’ kit took even longer. That said, I’m pretty sure that my Mom’s kit results came back in under two months. I guess it really all depends upon how slammed the lab is, and since many people gave AncestryDNA kits as gifts over the holidays, processing times seem to have gone up a little bit.
I’ve been trying to focus on other things in the meantime, like figuring out what to do with this next stage in my life. Some progress has been made, to be sure, but I’m still not feeling super definitive. Maybe that’s to be expected, too.
Every once in a while, though, I get an itch to return to Ancestry.com, FamilyTreeDNA, and 23andMe to poke around a bit. On one such occasion a couple of weeks ago, I was checking James’ FamilyTreeDNA match list for updates when I noticed that Jessie’s name had popped up. This was surprising because while I knew that she was on AncestryDNA and GedMatch, she hadn’t been on FamilyTreeDNA until now. She just have tested with that platform as well, and recently. I wondered why.
It also reminded me of our last thread of messages, that dwindled and slowly died with several unanswered messages from me to her. This brought up a fresh bout of pain each time. Why had she stopped answering me? What changed? As heartwarming as it is to hear on Facebook about each new way in which Jessie and her immediate family have finally been welcoming Nicole with open arms, and as much hope as it gave me, at the same time it’s also been hard to reconcile with the knowledge that she had shut the gate on me. Why do I no longer matter? Don’t I deserve biological reunion with my family, too? It would have been one thing if she had at least responded to even just one of my last messages, saying that she felt uncomfortable about continuing to help, but wishing me well. But to receive nothing at all…somehow that seemed to hurt more. To have been a person to her, but to be no more. Like I didn’t deserve an explanation. Like suddenly choosing to ignore me could make the reality of my humanity go away.
I wanted her to know that I’m still here, and that I’m still a person who feels things–even if they are things that are inconvenient–and that convenience be damned, I’m still family. You don’t need to help me, but my humanity will not be silenced or erased.
Granted, I also knew that there was a distinct possibility that she had just gotten busy and forgotten to respond (but that’s harder to believe when you’ve sent several messages over a platform that shows the last time a user has logged in (she’s very active on it, so it ends up being more or less daily), and when you’ve also sent a text message without response).
I guess I figured that the ball is already rolling in the direction of figuring all of this out in the immediate future given that Darrin has been tested and his results are only months away, so maybe she would feel differently about new outreach now that at least part of the family is “on board”. I wanted her to know that it was “okay” now. Although it’s a little funny to feel like only now, due to the fortune of finding a wing of the family that has chosen to see me with empathy, grace, and love, do I once again have permission to exist and be acknowledged. And maybe also be accepted.
So, for the first time in about 7 months, I breathed my humanity back to life and messaged her via Ancestry while praying for my ancestors’ blessing.
I wrote:
“Hello, [Jessie]!
I know it’s been a long time since we last spoke, but I figured I’d drop you a line since a lot has changed between now and then.
As you may know, I’ve been in touch with Meredith and some members of her wing of the family. She and they have been amazingly welcoming, which has been such an incredible blessing to me. Learning this news and processing what it means for my identity has definitely been a journey, and one that continues to unfold. I’m just very grateful to have, so far, been re-welcomed to this half of my biological family with remarkably open arms (at least from those who are aware that my brothers and I exist).
Darrin is graciously taking an AncestryDNA test, so that will narrow the pool down from 2 to 1. Not sure if anyone filled you in on this part yet, but because my brother, James, took Family Tree DNA’s Y-DNA test, and several Reilly/O’Reilly’s popped up on his match list, and because Y-DNA can only be passed between fathers and sons (and so on back through time), that narrowed down our paternity lines to either Ryan Reilly or Jacob Reilly/O’Reilly lines, and further to one of their sons. It sounds like Ryan Jr is out, but Darrin Reilly and Keith O’Reilly are the only remaining possibilities (barring additional surprise “non-parental events”, as they’re called!), and we’ll know soon enough based upon Darrin’s results which is which.
I spoke with [ several weeks ago. My understanding afterward from Meredith is that it’s probably best to wait for Darrin’s results before reaching out to Keith, which I think is probably wise. Depending upon Darrin’s results, I may wish to initiate that first contact. I know he has a family of his own, and I mean no disruption by any means. I also have a strong relationship with my own Dad. At the same time, genetics do mean SOMETHING… and I would love (in a perfect world) to be able to say some kind of hello to my genetic father, to in some way be known and accepted by him…and to matter, even in some small way.
I’ve connected with many fellow donor conceived people over the past several months, and one thing we are increasingly finding is that our parents’ fertility doctors were not always 100% straightforward about sources. Instead of always using “medical students”, I’ve learned of many instances where samples that were never intended for another couple’s procreation were used by fertility doctors who were desperate to get their patients pregnant. In some cases, couples who had come in for fertility testing wound up having portions of the husband’s virile samples “repurposed”, if you will, for other couples, without either party’s knowledge. I guess those doctors felt like they were ultimately doing a good thing, creating life, and that no one would ever be the wiser for it…not knowing that technology would one day shine a light on the unscrupulous choices they made.
I am not proud that this was probably the manner of my conception, and I make no excuses for my parents’ fertility doctor if this is what she did in order to bring me into existence. But at the same time, here I am. I never had a say in how I entered this life or whether or not I would be separated from my natural family and roots before birth, perpetually. In my case, I am lucky beyond all understanding that I came to be the daughter of such an amazing man as my Dad, whether by blood or the hand of God, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him (and he has been 100% supportive of my search).
But I am *also* of another. Not instead of, just also.
I’m not really sure exactly why I’m writing all of this to you except that since it’s been so long since our last message, I kind of assumed some rejection had occurred, which admittedly made me very sad. More likely, you just got busy, which is totally understandable! While I can understand why not everyone would want a biological family member who came to be as I did to enter (re-enter?) their lives…at the end of the day I’m just a HUMAN before anything else. I have a biological drive to know the people I come from, whose faces are reflected in the mirror, whose blood also flows through my veins. I can’t really explain it, but it MEANS something, even if not fatherhood. To be known and be accepted by my kin. He doesn’t need to be perfect. Just real. And hopefully willing to forgive how we came to exist, showing mercy instead on his progeny for a choice that was not our own.
If we are Darrin’s, then luckily, we have this. However, given surname matches to Neills, Keith may be more likely. Time will tell. I can only have hope and faith that this innate desire for biological acceptance is not asking too much.
Thank you for your mercy at my journey’s beginning and for allowing me to reclaim the roots that I have so far. It may sound odd, but it’s like I can feel my ancestors reeling me back into their lives. Maybe not HOME, but together.”
I whispered a prayer that she would understand. That she would have mercy on my soul’s desire to connect with my blood, and the common humanity we share through it. Then I went to sleep.
Something I said must have reached her, because by the time I woke up, I had a message waiting for me in my inbox.
Out of respect for her privacy, I won’t be displaying it here, but her response was in many ways a merciful one. She started off by making very clear that it was never her intention to make me feel cut off, but that she didn’t know in what other way she could really help me. She had hoped that what information she had provided so far, along with sharing her tree, would give enough of the information I needed. And in a lot of ways, it did, to be honest. I wouldn’t have gotten as far as I did so quickly without her opening the door to that help, and for that I am tremendously grateful.
Jessie also opened up a bit more about how she was also, in her own way, a bit removed from the rest of the Reilly family. Her mother passed away when she was a young child, and what remained of her immediate family uprooted to California. She had very little contact with the rest of the Reilly since then, having been more or less cut off by the distance of the move. That has to have been hard for her, and I could only imagine feeling a bit disconnected from half of my family in a circumstance like that. I may perceive myself to have (in some ways) been robbed of knowing my biological family all of these years, but I was never robbed of having a Dad. She was robbed by fate of her Mom at a young age, and from connection with most of the rest of her Mother’s family thereafter. It’s not surprising that she’s also been so interested in rediscovering her roots through platforms like Ancestry.
She did have SOME contact with her Mother’s side of the family over the years, however limited. For example, she and Keith had actually been “pen pals” in high school. She also mentioned trips as an adult to spend time with Christy, as well as (separately) with Meredith’s wing of the family. Also unsurprisingly, she lauded how welcoming Meredith and co. had been, and even remarked that if it turns out that we are biologically Darrin’s, we have (or had, I should say) wonderful grandparents. It was warming to hear that she also had a similar experience with their lovingness–they are good people.
Jessie closed out her message to me by crossing her fingers and wishing me luck, but it was the post script that got me. She invited me to keep in touch with her via email, and left the address along with a smiley face. It felt sincere. I was now welcome.
I responded that way.
We’ve been in touch several times since, exchanging new information we’ve found (primarily while uncovering new information on the Neill line). It’s been a huge help, and feels so much better to continue my search with the door open. We’re all in this together, after all.