—The next several posts were written several months ago, but will be posted in succession. Apologies for the delay! I bet you’ve been wondering what on earth we’ve been up to. It’s definitely been a continued adventure as we enter into this uncharted territory of undoing our anonymity.—
I met up with Courtney, Kelly, and Shane at an Irish Bar in Philly called “Slainte”. It basically translates to “health/cheers” and is frequently used as a drinking toast in Ireland and Scotland. We had a great time. I was running a little bit late on my train in, and of course had to pee more badly than I ever have in my life within the first few minutes of my train ride. So, I would be late because of the train, but also to stop in the restroom in the station the second I got in before rushing to find the place. They were all good sports about it. As I walked into the bar, I saw them pretty much right away, but had to wait before walking over because I was being carded. Ha! 33 years old—I’m not complaining. I’ll take getting carded as long as I can if it means that I might possibly look like there’s a universe in which I’m still under 21.
Anyway, I headed over to the table, gave everyone a hug and a hello, and was also greeted by some appetizers of quesadillas, one of my favorites. We most certainly are related! Over the next hour or two, we talked a bit about our lives, they filled me in more on their branches of their family (our family, I suppose), and just sort of talked about life. It actually felt minimally awkward, from my perspective, at least, given the circumstances that I was meeting my own siblings for the literal first time in our lives.
After closing out our tab, they kindly walked me to the train station, and even came inside to make sure I found where I needed to go. (I think they realized that I can sometimes be a bit directionally challenged, haha, although I always wind up making it to where I’m going.) It was very sweet of them and I appreciated it greatly. We said our goodbyes-for-now and figured we’d try to get together again, perhaps with their Dad and maybe our Aunt when would be in the town around the Christmas holidays.
My train wasn’t going to be ready for another 15-20 minutes or so, so I grabbed myself a slice of pizza and a sprite to start sopping up the drinks I had just consumed. Despite how I might look, I’m not nearly 21 anymore and wasn’t trying to be hurting the next day.
A couple weeks later, Courtney mentioned to me that our Aunt was going to be further north than usual (in Arlington, VA) later that week, which is about an hour away from where Courtney lives in Baltimore. She was wondering if I might want to make a quick trip to meet her together. Aunt Christy and I hadn’t been able to connect the last time she was up north, and I really did want to finally meet her. She’s about 5 years older than my biological father.
She messages me via Facebook now and again expressing excitement about finding a time for us to finally meet, which has been so meaningful to me. She signs off on each message to me “Aunt Christy”, so usually I try to start off each message acknowledging her that way. I hope that my last such message is a long, long time away from now. At the same time, none of us know how much time we have left on any of our relationships—each moment is a gift, and memories can only be formed if we make them. Everything I’ve learned about her through other family members made clear that she is an incredibly kind, strong, smart, and accomplished woman—someone truly admirable, and a family woman through and through. Like me, she used to keep track of the family lines and histories—I guess it runs in the blood for some of us after all! It hurts to know that my time with such a loving woman, my own aunt, isn’t guaranteed—especially since she lives so far away. I’ll probably also never know and unpack the full extent of whatever similarities we share. A certain extent of the overlap will remain unknown. It’s incredible to me that for the past 33 years, an anonymous “donation” kept us from knowing and having a relationship with one another, and now that I’ve found her, the sand of time left to know each other is escaping me. My own memory isn’t the greatest, particularly long-term, so I’m glad that I’ve been taking the time to write down and at least partially capture what all of this has meant to me, to expand my life. Or, I guess it was always there, too, so uncover it?
After all of that work and overcoming all of that improbability to find and know one another, I’m up against the clock to fit my “new” family members into my life while the present is still available. In the back of my mind, I know that we’re being slowly pulled away from each other yet again, but I’m trying to fight it. While the craziness of life and work has me up to my eyeballs in distractions, I also want to slow it all down a bit and not miss out. Time is precious—a gift. I knew I had to go to see her.
I drove a few hours down to Baltimore to Courtney’s place, then, after a quick tour (and her help with finding a spot to park!) we hopped into her car and drove the rest of the way to Derrick’s office in Arlington where our Aunt would be waiting as he worked.
We met her Derrick at the office door as he greeted us warmly and let us in. He then ushered us to the office where Christy was sitting. Cue the marathon of first-time family meetings! (And silently reminding myself to breathe.)
After 33 years of unintentional absence, I saw my Aunt’s face, in person, for the first time. Courtney greeted her and introduced me. We all sat down at the office table and excitedly chatted about all kinds of things—what her life was like growing up, her parents, the places she lived, her career, hobbies, etc. We also talked about how we both had gone to Penn State, and reminisced about our time at the school. A while later, I pulled out some pictures I had brought with me of my brothers and I growing up for her to see. Courtney was so helpful with asking her different questions to help guide the conversation so I could learn more about the family, for which I was very grateful. She also pointed out to us that one of the paintings on the wall was of the house her own Mother, our Grandmother, had grown up in while living in Ireland. I could envision the cabin that was already known somewhere to me within my very own flesh and blood–it was not its first meeting with this place. To the people I carry with me in my veins, it had been home. It was pretty incredible.
After several hours of talking, Derrick had finished up his work for the day, and we got ready to come back with them for dinner at their son and daughter-in-law’s house, where they would be staying that night. It would also be my first time meeting them (and their son, my “first cousin once removed’). It was a day of introductions for sure!
We said goodbye-for-now to Derrick and Christy since they were going to stop at the store in their own car to pick up some pizzas for us on the way to the house. Courtney drove us in her car (while I had to randomly take a conference call that had been planned for weeks)—fortunately she didn’t mind or think it was too weird, haha.
When we pulled up to my cousin and his wife’s house (I’ll call them Ben and Tina, and their son Ronnie), I wrapped up my conference call and tried to bury my next wave of anxiety. We had arrived at Ben and Tina’s before Derrick and Christy, so once again C would be the only one I would know as I met even more “new” family members. For the 80th time, I wondered if I should do a handshake or hug, and what on God’s Earth my biological family members would think of me—the new relative with the crazy story. Every member of the family had been great so far, so I placated myself into believing that this shouldn’t be any different. It would probably be weird, yes, but finally knowing each other would make it less weird. At the end of the day, despite a circus of circumstances, we were family.
It’s not like we could just stand outside all day (plus it was cold as heck), so we knocked on the door while I waited more anxiously than I cared to admit.
In we went! We immediately were welcomed by Ben and Tina, and rather enthusiastically by our sweet, energetic little cousin, Ronnie. He didn’t hesitate for a second in introducing us to all of his toys and games (and I was quite impressed to see a strong representation by the Ninja Turtles—my brothers and I loved them, too, as kids). As we played with Ronnie, we also chatted with Ben and Tina as I began to get to know them. Both were very kind and welcoming—happily continuing the trend amongst their family to be a wonderful addition to my life.
Eventually, Christy and Derrick arrived with the pizzas, and we got down to pizza-eating business. And a little salad-eating business, for good measure. And certainly some wine-drinking business, as my Aunt is equally a fan of a good red. We had a great time talking more about all kinds of things and getting to know each other better.
Around 8 or 9pm, we had to say our farewells since Courtney and I needed to drive back to Baltimore for the night, where I would be staying overnight at her place. Before leaving, we talked about trying to get together again when Aunt Christy and Derrick would be in the Philadelphia area for the holidays.
That night, Courtney and I watched an episode of “This is Us” together, which was especially poignant given how the show’s subject matter relates to our own situation. In true sibling form, we both teared up at all the good parts.
The next morning, I drove home to Philadelphia. I certainly had a lot to ponder on that drive, and a drive was probably exactly what I needed. I always find that long-distance driving allows me to do some of my best thinking and clear my head (solo, anyway—I can’t drive and carry on a conversation to save my life, not if we’re planning on getting to our destination anytime soon!) so the two hours I spent on the highway were quite welcome timing.
I wondered when I would see them next, if they would eventually meet my brothers, and what the “final frontier” of intros would be like—meeting my biological father.