Again, it’s been a while since I last wrote–my apologies. I’ve been jet setting around a bit, first to Florida to spend time with my cousins (on my Dad’s side), then to New Orleans to help a friend with her business launch over Mardi Gras. And yes, that was crazy, haha.
Anyway, while in Florida, taking a break from the frigid temps of a typical February in Philadelphia, I tried to spend as MUCH time at the beach as possible. It was glorious.
On one such afternoon, while laying down on my beach blanket with my cousins, I snapped a picture of my view and loaded it to Facebook. I’m not really the selfie type, so of course it was just of the ocean, but I guess it’s still a slightly obnoxious thing to do when most of your friends are freezing their behinds off and/or are in the office. But hey, they’ll get their turn to take a vacation or post about something else cool, right? Right, I told myself. Ahhhh, this was the life.
A few hours later, I got a Facebook message from Meredith. Darrin needed some help with registering his AncestryDNA kit. I did a little bit of googling since it had been a while since I had last registered a test, then passed along some steps for him. We ultimately needed to decide if he would register the test himself, forming his own account and attaching it to his email address, or if I would register the test for him through my account. If I did it for him, it would be a lot easier since my generation tends to be a bit techy and I had already gone through this process before (with my own kit and my Mom’s), but that would mean that the test would be officially “administered” by my account, and linked to my email address. I wasn’t sure how he would feel about this, so wanted to at least initially push the option of him registering it. However, if he does it, he would not only need to largely figure out how to do it on his own (which felt kind of unfair to put on him), but he would have very limited access to the results without setting up a PAID registered account. Depending upon the subscription type, that can cost some moolah, which also didn’t really seem fair to him (and it seemed weird for me to offer to pay for that, too, since it’s an annual subscription, which isn’t especially cheap, and I wouldn’t know if he’d want it renewed every year, etc. etc.)
After explaining all of the options and steps that can with them, Meredith relayed all of this to Darrin, and ultimately they just said it would be easiest if I register the kit. The one good thing that Ancestry does allow for is that I can add his email address as a guest to the results. That way, he still should receive an email when the results come in and can view them (albeit still in that more limited way), so he wouldn’t be totally separated from the process. I let her know that I would need the kit’s number in order to register it, which she passed along. Turns out it was a different number that I needed, and after some back and forth of trying to figure it out (which I was very nervous about, I didn’t want any of this to be difficult for them to do since they were already going out of their way!), we finally got everything set up. Phew! They were incredibly gracious about it, which I was, again, enormously thankful for.
She then messaged that she noticed I was in Florida. I told her about how I was visiting some of my Dad’s family that lives there.
Then she asked me if I wanted to meet Darrin while I was there. He lives about an hour’s drive away from where I was staying.
Ho. ly. Shit.
That was a scary question!
I immediately went into panic mode. A million thoughts went through my mind at once–I was completely overwhelmed. First, the generosity. The love and compassion being displayed. It was unreal. The fact that she/they were even offering the possibility of us getting to meet just blew my mind. We dropped on their internet doorsteps out of absolutely nowhere, and they have been nothing but open arms at ever corner. That alone was powerful beyond belief.
Yet, at the same time, it felt too soon. For some reason, in my mind, I’ve assumed that I wouldn’t directly interact with Darrin or either of my potential biological fathers until our relationship had already been definitively established. When I imagine my first meeting, or even conversation with my biological father, I already know who he is to me. I greet and get to know him as his biological child. That would just be such a monumental and formative moment that I wouldn’t want it dampened and muddled by any hesitation and lingering questions around who we are to each other. I want him to meet me as unquestionably his biological daughter. I don’t want to be holding back in that meeting to protect myself from the possibility that it was all false hope and I wasn’t his, and having that affect such an important first impression. I want to be able to be all in, and the same for him. Who were are to one another, at least biologically speaking, needs to be pre-defined.
Just as significantly, I could tell that he was excited about the possibility and I wanted to protect him. To protect him from any walls that I might have put up that he didn’t deserve, and to protect him from the possibility of us meeting, getting so excited/connecting, then only to find that the DNA results say he’s not our biological father after all. He and his wing of the family have been so good to us so far that it just didn’t seem right to let this possibility play out. If by some miracle it plays out that he is our biological father, then you can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll be booking a flight back to Florida ASAP to meet him. And if the results show that he is a cousin after all, leaving Keith at bat, then I sure as heck want to meet that wing of the family anyway. They have been instrumental in our search, and are, at the end of the day, family. And they are family that has welcomed us. There is no way that I can repay that gratitude, much less fully demonstrate my love for this critical piece of my family.
Also, I didn’t have a rental car or anything and was pretty much bound to my family’s schedule while I was down there. I also wasn’t entirely sure how they would feel about my taking time out of my vacation with them to spend time with my “other” father’s side. My Mom and Dad were going to be in town, too, the next day, so it just felt a bit too complicated for it to be the right move. At that time, anyway.
With a great deal of hesitation, and a billion times more panic, I explained my schedule and who all I was with to Meredith, suggesting that my coming down again sometime soon might be better.
I also explained a bit about how I thought it might be best to do my introduction to him once the results were in. Honestly, saying so felt and still feels awful to say…it’s not like they don’t matter to me unless he is my biological father! I wanted them to know that, and would hate for him/them to feel in ANY way rejected. Hell, I would fly out to Savannah and meet her in a second whether results were in yet or not! But meeting HIM, without knowing if he is my biological father or not first…that I feel needs to be under much more planned circumstances. It’s just too high stakes of an emotional rollercoaster not to. Even if he does turn out to only be a cousin, he’s clearly one hell of a guy.
I messaged her explaining how I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up before we got the results, and that it might be too hard on both of us if we started to form a relationship and then found out that we weren’t related in the way that we thought (cousins rather than direct offspring). I also explained that I 100% want to know ALL of the family regardless, especially all the wings who have been so kind to me, but figured it might be better to do that once we figure out more definitively the nature of our biological relationships to one another. I was so very grateful to his openness to all of this, and would never want to hurt him if it turned out that I was wrong.
After sending this, I held my breath. Or at least I did mentally, because I’m pretty sure that I was physically hyperventilating at the moment.
Once again, she proved that love has no bounds.
She was incredibly gracious, and agreed that it might be best to wait for the results and plan our own trip (and said she was hesitant to bring it up, but wanted to at least offer!) Incredible. She also talked about how, regardless of how the results pan out, we’re close family, and they would love to meet us. Double whammy. These folks are amazing. How did I get to be so lucky?
I told her that I’d love for us to plan some sort of reunion later on, maybe even taking a trip with some family members to Ireland! Several of the Reillys have made essentially pilgrimage trips over there to the towns our ancestors are from, and I’ve been dying to get over there ever since learning about my new roots.
I don’t know when, or under what relational circumstances, but we will meet soon.