I had been so close to a happy ending’s start–the opportunity for the meaningful connection I craved with the other half my biological kin was already guaranteed, if only Darrin’s results had come back slightly differently . It’s just hard to be so close and yet wind up having the thing that you’re essentially biologically programmed to be invested in taken away by fate. Granted, it’s not impossible that Keith and his wing of the family will feel the same way as Darrin’s, but it’s certainly not a sure thing, either.
As much as finally finding out the identity of your BF is a gigantic win in its own right—to finally have at least that much truth—it’s only the beginning. You now have a name, and maybe a picture (courtesy of some savvy googling), but that doesn’t tell you a hell of a lot more about your biological identity than its absence. It certainly doesn’t fill the connection void. What is he like? Is he a good man? What traits do I get from him? Where does he show up in my brothers’ faces and their idiosyncrasies? What parts of him do I share with our other biological siblings?
Our other biological siblings. My brothers have always had a sister, but I never have. I now have at least two. And another brother.
Not only do I not know how Keith and my newest siblings will respond to our eventual outreach, but I had no idea how Meredith and Darrin would react to learning that we’re not her niece and nephews, and not his biological children, after all. Maybe it would be too hard on Darrin for them to even maintain much of a connection after he had gotten his hopes up. And would they really still be as interested in knowing us if we’re a little further away genetically than we hoped? Or will we wind up losing them, too? That was an equally painful proposition. To have a connection, then have it taken away.
It was too overwhelming, and I couldn’t even BEGIN to fathom how I could gently break the news to Meredith (and, in turn, Darrin). I had to let myself succumb to sleep, my only escape from the present situation.
…
Several hours later, I messaged Meredith:
Then I said a little prayer and went about my day.
About an hour or so later, she messaged a response. As per usual, I was completely blown away by the love that was shown. While they were disappointed, too, that Darrin is not our BF, they couldn’t have been more clear that they’re still 100% supportive and glad that we were able to find one another. We even established that, even though I’m not technically her niece, she would be honored to be my honorary Aunt. Words cannot describe how touching and heartwarming that was. I hadn’t lost them all after all.
And Meredith was already brainstorming next steps. She asked if I knew how and when I’d like to reach out to Keith, even offering to make the connection if that would make us more comfortable.
Ultimately, though, we agreed that it might be best to start out with a certified letter. That way, I could get out all my brothers and I wanted to say at once. However we approach him, it’s going to come as a shock, but at least absorbing the news in the form of a letter wouldn’t put him on the spot quite as much as a sudden phone call would. I don’t want him to feel pressured to have to both navigate his own feelings and figure out how respond in-the-moment to something as high stakes as this. It seems like the kind of thing that he might want to have some time to process, then come back to when he’s ready. I can leave contact information, and even some pictures of us growing up. That way, we’re REAL PEOPLE, and not just names on a page (which can more easily be discarded). I can also let him know how I found out about all of this, and the degree to which the extended family is already looped in. And, importantly, that the extended family has already embraced this news–potentially relieving any concerns around what their perceptions might be.
The next day, I got another message from Danielle, letting me know that she heard the news and was there if I wanted to talk. She even offered to connect me with our sisters, who she knows fairly well. We spoke for a bit, and she assured me that, no matter what, we’re still family and it’s truly a miracle that we were able to find each other. I was really glad that she brought that up, because it truly is incredible that we’ve gone from never knowing each other existed for 30 or so odd years to finally connecting in the flesh. It hasn’t been an easy road, and has taken a lot of work, but also a lot of what I can only describe as divine intervention. I’m not a religious person, but I do believe that there is some sort of power that connects us. Over and over again, various forms of synchronicity and perfectly timed fortunate have appeared to guide and further the search.
More than anything else, though, this whole experience has shown me what it means to show true compassion, empathy, and love to fellow human beings. This has been demonstrated in such extraordinary ways not only by Meredith, Darrin, Danielle, and their family members, who could just have easily treated me as a stranger, but every bit as exceptionally by my parents through their strength in trusting the unshakable natural of our core bond, openness to learning about and understanding my drive to know and connect with my roots, and their blessing in exploring “Who I Also Am”. All absent egos. Rising above. This is what love looks like. With awe-inspired gratitude, I am incredibly proud that this is the type of family that I come from, and the caliber of people I have in my life.
At the end of the day, the decision on how to proceed is going to be in his and God’s hands. In the meantime, we’ll be doing a lot of reflecting and prayer around the contents of that letter. Your prayers and positive vibes are welcome, too!