For two months after receiving the Y-DNA results, I was basically on hiatus from searching for my birth paternal family. Things were VERY hectic at work, and I was also traveling a bunch for weddings, conferences, etc.
Even in the midst of a circus, life goes on.
Receiving a message from another “new” cousin, this time on 23andMe, brought everything about this part of my life right back up to the surface.
It was May 5th, 2016. Via 23andMe’s messaging platform, she simply wrote:
I was SO incredibly excited to have someone reaching out to ME for connection. ALSO, I immediately recognized the birth mother’s last name–it was the same as Jessie’s! Could this be a relative of hers? Even if I couldn’t figure out my own puzzle yet, maybe I could help someone else out with theirs.
A few days later, I messaged back:
I figured that it would be easier to explain my situation via phone, and at this point was so desperate to REALLY connect with someone who was in the same boat, especially one who was ALSO family–finally.
Nicole must have felt the same way, because not even a full minute later, my phone was ringing.
As it turned out, my hunch about her being related to Jessie was right! Only she had figured it out even before receiving my reply. Apparently, she had also reached out to Jessie when she saw the match level and last name, and Jessie confirmed that she was Nicole’s aunt. Apparently, her birth mother had been looking for her all her life.
Nicole is about 10 years my senior, and had NO IDEA she was adopted until receiving her results back. Like me, she hadn’t taken the DNA test because she suspected that she may have a different birth parent. In fact, she had taken the test in order to get health information, since 23andMe is able to check your DNA for genetic predispositions to all sorts of different diseases and health indicators. She suspected that her son may have inherited a particular disorder, but knew that getting a DNA test through their doctor’s office would cost thousands of dollars, whereas using 23andMe, or importing her raw data results into another platform called “Promethease” for $5, would get her the information she needed for far less. Only she got a little more than she bargained for–she instead found out that she was adopted!
As was the case with me, Nicole had a lot to process, having just received this news–and while I felt for her, it was also nice to have someone else to talk to and process with together. My parents weren’t really comfortable with me discussing this aspect of my life, and I felt uncomfortable burdening them. My brothers didn’t really seem to express much interest either, and I didn’t want to force feelings on them that they might not have. At this point, I knew literally no one else who had been donor conceived (not that Nicole had, either), or even anyone else who had found out about a “non-parental event” as they’re called, as a surprise via a DNA test. There seemed to be almost no references to a situation like this in popular culture…TV shows, movies, popular books…no one I could relate to while going through this. I had felt so isolated and alone, particularly as a donor conceived person. Sharing the experience of learning that your biological and ancestral roots are not at all what you thought they were (especially as an adult!) with someone else was such a powerful experience.
I was so lucky, and am so lucky, that I found Nicole.
We probably talked for at least an hour, going over our experiences, comparing notes on what we’ve learned so far, and swapping tips. We connected immediately–which I guess isn’t terribly surprising…despite all the mess and chaos of the situation, we are family after all.
Before hanging up, she promised me that she would email me some of the information she had shared over the phone. True to her word, she did:
I finally had more family–one who understands first-hand!–in my search.