Clearly it’s taken me a while to write this. I guess I had been hoping that in my next post I would be able to share more news, and what I have now is fairly limited. But, I’m not sure that this will necessarily change anytime in the near future, so I’ll share the parts that I do know.
When Meredith finally spoke with Keith, she passed along that while he does eventually want to get to know us, he’s being advised to hold off on direct contact for right now as he sorts things out with the doctors/hospital. I’m not sure what that will look like, or how long it will take, but I guess legally it’s better if we’re not in direct contact in the interim. Another cousin of his (well, ours, I should say) also let me know that she spoke with him, a bit later, and that he really is sincere about wanting to meet us, along with our siblings, but that we just have to wait a bit. I’m sure all of this is a lot to process, too. I’ve at least had the benefit of knowing I was donor conceived for close to two years now, whereas he’s only had the knowledge that he has other kids out there for about two months.
It’s still hard to not hear much of anything. You start to wonder if maybe they’re changing their minds. I held off on reaching out to Meredith about it for the past two months largely for this reason. Granted, I also used that time to switch gears to focusing on things that I’ve put off over the course of my search. However, beyond that, I couldn’t bear the possibility of hearing from her that this extended silence was the result of his getting cold feet and changing his mind. It was almost better to just not know.
I’ve spoken with many donor conceived people in the past several months who have recently made contact with their “donor”, and it’s been a mixed bag. Many have had positive stories to share where they were welcomed. But there have also been those, close to me, whose donor’s (or family of the donor) coldly turned them away. They have been devastated. To knowingly choose to bring a biological child into this world, and then refuse them the mercy of being able to know you in any way–to literally make the choice of shunning/rejecting your biological child…it’s madness to me. I could see (sort of) preferring to remain anonymous, but to out-and-out reject your biological child if and when they DO find you? To show no mercy? A person like that has no business intentionally creating a child, regardless of who will raise that person. That PERSON. A human at the other end of this–not a thing, not a purchase. A person with feelings and rights. A child whose best interests should always be protected and held paramount.
Ugh, I could go on, but I don’t want to right now. The mental and emotional energy it takes to fully and accurately explain the toll that all of this takes and the inherent, natural rights that have been violated can be exceptionally draining. At other times, it can be incredibly liberating. But there is a time and place for everything, and sometimes we need a different path to recharge.
I have spent countless hours helping other donor conceived and/or adopted people recover their biological families and roots, which has been enormously meaningful work for me. I’ve also spent just as much time providing recommendations and advice to parents (and/or potential parents) of donor conceived children on ways that they can best support their kids through this journey. There are a number of private online groups for these kinds of discussions, which is at least one benefit of this digital age. These kinds of resources weren’t available in the same way to my parents, and our generation of donor conceived kids have lived the consequences of that period of darkness. At least, now, parents are able to educate themselves on the topic and make more informed decisions for their families. They’re able to hear from a diversity of perspectives–from other “recipient parents”, donor conceived children, and even people who have donated themselves. It’s not always easy information for any given party to hear, but it’s tremendously important that we have each other’s perspectives so we can support and learn from each other. And, most importantly, this way we can help the next generation of donor conceived children to grow up as a healthier, happier one. They can have so much more than we had. It makes my heart explode with happiness to play a role in giving that gift. The transformations I’ve seen in certain parents I’ve spoken with have been nothing short of miraculous and astounding.
Anyway, in the past two months, I’ve been able to virtually meet even more of my cousins and family members as we catch each other up on our lives. It’s been beautiful. We all just wish we would’ve had more time with each other from the start–there’s so much lost time that can never be fully replaced. But we’re trying our best, or as best biological family members whose life-long separation has rendered us strangers can. Many of us have so many similarities already that even though we’re “strangers”, we’re also pretty familiar in a way, too.
Several days ago was my brothers and my birthday. A few days before that, I finally mustered up the courage to reach out to Meredith. I explained how I had been hesitant to reach out, because I was concerned that maybe things had changed. She replied right away, and let me know that she actually hadn’t heard any updates in that span of time either. Aside from that, she assumed that everything was fine, and that they were still just trying to figure things out with the medical team/get some answers. I could definitely understand that, as I’m SURE I would have more than a few questions (and quite the bone to pick), too. She said that she would try to check in with him.
And so, our second birthday since we have known passed. I have to say that it did feel a bit odd, all things considered. This was our first birthday since he and most of his family has known. Was he even aware that it was our birthday? How might that have felt, if so? Would any of our “new” family acknowledge us on our birthday, now that the cat was out of the bag? I let myself be somewhat hopeful that they would, but was also scared that maybe they wouldn’t, and that we would remain a secret in plain sight.
As it turns out, many of them did. Even my aunt friended me on Facebook and said happy birthday, too! We were finally allowed to exist to them, and to be celebrated. The day might never have come. I was grateful.
I’m not sure where exactly the future of these relationships will take us, and I’m still eager (and yet also definitely scared) to meet our BF and siblings, but I also know that we’ll figure it out in time. It won’t be easy on any of us, but that’s just the nature of the situation, given all of the secrecy for all of these years. We’ll make the best of it however we can, and I just hope that we can always choose love over fear.