Around the same time that I met the first of my paternal cousins in New York, James let me know that a friend of a friend whose mother is adopted (still with me?) was interested in finding her birth family and was seeking out help. I guess one of his friends knew that James had done some genealogical research in the past, so they contacted him. He then forwarded the request to me (probably because the woman mentioned that her mother had already taken an AncestryDNA test).
I immediately told him to put her in contact with me–surely at this point I’ve gained enough knowledge in the arena that I should be able to be of SOME help to this woman. Various strangers, like Gel, have been so helpful to me in my own search that I’ve felt compelled to pass the buck forward. Besides, it’s always fun to find someone else as interested and invested in this stuff as me so that we can geek out together (instead of talking at someone about the intricacies of the search and watching as their eyes glaze over…and I become fearful that I may soon have a zombie on my hands).
Anyway, Michelle, the woman’s daughter, reached out to me shortly thereafter and we spoke on the phone for at least an hour. She told me all about what she and her mother had accomplished on her search so far, and I asked a million questions while taking notes, trying to piece every angle together. Then I dumped a mother load (no pun intended) of additional information, resources, and strategies on her.
At first, I worried that perhaps I was overwhelming her. But, a few days later, I heard from Dawn (her mother) directly, and she had already taken most of the steps I had mentioned! She’s QUITE the savvy lady. In fact, as luck would have it, within just a few days of our initial correspondence, she was able to get in touch with a “new” cousin of her own who would provide just the breakthrough she needed. A few days later, she had spoken to her biological half-sister for the first time, and was being welcomed into the family. Unfortunately for her, her biological mother had already passed, and she still doesn’t know just yet who her birth father is, but at least she has a start to reclaiming her biological family’s roots. Hearing her talk about how much this reunion has meant to her, and to her biological family, brought me such whole-hearted joy–it’s a miracle and amazing.
And, importantly, it honestly does nothing to diminish her ties to her social (adoptive) family. In the chemistry of such equations, finding biological family only adds bonds, it doesn’t subtract or substitute. After all, energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It can, however, be rediscovered and catalyzed. Those of us who have been disconnected from our biological families for so long can feel whole again, and society can catalyze this by recognizing and honoring the fact that families like ours are inherently made up of more parts than the traditional family model “allows”.
That’s one reason why, while I have very few issues with the use of donor conception (or adoption, of course, except under cases of coercion or lack of support of the birth parents to raise their biological children if that IS what they originally wanted to do), I do take issue with keeping a person’s origins a secret from them for life. Increasingly, psychiatry is encouraging adoptive families to disclose their child’s biological origins early, normalizing this component of their family’s story. Similarly, open-adoptions are steadily becoming the norm. This change has stemmed from, as a society, growing our understanding that deception should never be the basis of any relationship, least of all one as close and formative as that between a child and his/her parents. After all, if you find that you cannot trust your parents, any hope of having other fully trusting relationships in one’s life is immediately (and understandably) shaken.
Further, we’re beginning to understand (as several other countries pave the way) that a child’s understanding of his/her biological origins is not only fundamental to their growing identity, but a basic human right. Just as children born into traditional birth families have a right to know their biological identities, establish relationships with their immediate and extended biological family members, and know what can be known about their medical family histories, so, too, should all children have this right. At the very least, upon reaching the age of 18, and becoming an adult in the eyes of society (thus no longer legally subject to the discretion and decision-making authority of their parents), a person should no longer have such a fundamental truth hidden from them. It’s not something bad, or something to be ashamed of, and thus not something to be “protected” from–especially not as an adult.
Of course I understand, as I’ve noted earlier, that parents who make the choice to hide their child’s genetic origins are, more often than not, just trying to do what they believe is in their child’s best interest. After all, for a long time, conventional wisdom WAS that hiding the truth was best. Or, at the very least, that there would be no purpose to disclosing the truth, since it was believed that the children a.) didn’t have any reason to know–that it wouldn’t make a difference and b.) would never know any different anyway.
The fact that the commercial DNA testing industry is quickly exploding in popularity seems to indicate otherwise. While not true of everyone, a lot of people DO care to know about their ancestral origins and biological relationships. Also, the prevalence of these tests are quickly rendering the idea of “closed” adoptions and “anonymous” donors a moot practice. From this point forward, children WILL be exponentially more likely to find out (whether they test or, down the road, one of their offspring does), and I can say from first-hand experience (as do the vast majority of others in this boat who I’ve talked to) that finding out something like this is incredibly impactful to one’s identity, and on what feels like a cellular level. While not taking away (whatsoever!) from our social bonds to our adoptive families/members, and whether old-school society likes it or not, the drive to know your immediate biological family is, for many of us, an innate one–and exceptionally strong. Society may ask us to stifle it, and we may successfully internalize this in some cases or for a time. Yet, ultimately, it is nature. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in my studies of Biobehavioral Health, it’s that both nature AND nurture are powerful, and neither can be fully removed from an equation.
We can have families of a million different sorts these days, and each formulation, born out of love, is beautiful. That said, I can’t help but think that these new family formations are doing a disservice to their children if they are not only asking us to deny our natural instinct to also have some form of relationship with our natural parents (when healthily possible), but also dictating this denial through guilt. Forcing us to choose who we love, as if it is ever truly a choice in this instance, is its own form of cruel and unusual punishment, especially since it’s punishment absent a crime. Such an insistence, especially by those who love us most, feels confusing and devastating, and is ultimately inhumane. We were never a part of the decision-making that put us in this man-made “dilemma” of supposedly finite, conflicting love in the first place–we were born into it through the choices of our natural and adoptive families alike. We should not be put in a position to feel ashamed of our basic human instinct to be connected in some way with our biological families. On all sides of the equation, we are capable of so much more love and empathy than that, especially for those we care about most. It doesn’t (or shouldn’t) harm our adoptive parents to make space for these instincts, as there is infinite room when we are treating each other with and operating from a place of love. It knows no bounds, only human insecurity does.
Society has, for many years, defined the model of what shape and structure loving families must take. Yet the truth is that, as is true with many things in society, the model is an out-dated one and its confining restrictions are self-imposed. We can free ourselves, our families, and the future health of our relationships from this thinking. There is always room for more love, and no one member needs to feel under threat when we understand this. Families formed as ours are simply ARE composed of more parts than traditional ones, and that’s okay so long as we hold space for and honor this truth. Putting on a blinders and creating artificial barriers won’t help, and these days they are only temporary bandages to something that can’t be contained later down the road. Better to deal with it now.
While it might not feel ideal to have to navigate such complicated family relationships, and it’s probably not what most couples struggling with infertility dreamed their families would look like when they were kids, it does seem to me that, these days, especially given the advancements in technology, we have to accept that starting a healthy, open, and loving family under these circumstances requires that we do so thoughtfully and holistically. Certainly there will be situations where it won’t be in the best interest of the child to have his/her biological family in their life, but that will more often be the exception rather than the rule. And, as with most areas in life, we must also approach our expanding configurations of (equally valid, loving) family models with the best interests/future rights of the child at the heart of our decision-making. Our relationships can’t afford for us not to, and I think this is something that most of us, as difficult as it may be to confront at first, know in our hearts is right.
